<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>i hear a second voice by nuwandas</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726944">i hear a second voice</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuwandas/pseuds/nuwandas'>nuwandas</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Dead Poets Society (1989)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Mental Health Issues, Sad, Suicide Attempt, Unhealthy Coping Mechanisms, anderperry, but for a good reason, everyone ignores neil except for todd, suicide is NOT shown, the others are kinda dicks, todd is sad, who loves him</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-04-19</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-04-22</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-02 23:07:39</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>General Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>4</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>3,982</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23726944</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/nuwandas/pseuds/nuwandas</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>todd misses neil and struggles to cope with his emotions after his return.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Todd Anderson &amp; Neil Perry, Todd Anderson/Neil Perry</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>10</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>31</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. one</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>after two weeks, todd is finally greeted with neil, who found himself back in their room they shared together. two long and slow weeks, where todd saw everything and everyone around him crumble to ground. but now neil was back and everything and everyone that had crumbled, could come back too. but that’s just what he thought.</p><p>although neil is back, things are not the same. todd notices that neil has stopped going to his classes and is instead, enrolled in a temporary class in which its just him, a teacher, and a counselor. he tells todd that the class and occasion therapy session is useless and only reminds him of what he’d done. he also says he misses his old classes and he misses mr. keating and his lessons. and that he wants to feel everyones warm presence again, no matter how much homework assignments he’d get in return. he says that anything is better than being in that small and cramped room with his new teacher who asks, “neil, are you okay?” every time he looks out the damn window. todd just reminds him that nothing has changed, in fact things have gotten even worse after his..todd pauses. neil just nods slowly in response, deciding to end their conversation.</p><p>a week after neil’s return, he decided it was best to study alone, to not be bothered by his friends, which todd thought was ridiculous. they were still neil’s friends and they still cared about him deeply. nonetheless, todd still joined him, not wanting to leave him alone. both boys sat on their beds, studying for classes. neil stretched along his bed, reading a novel that was given to him by his teacher. todd was finishing up his latin homework, hoping to finally get some sleep soon before he spoke,<br/>
“i miss it”.<br/>
“miss what?”<br/>
“the meetings.”<br/>
“oh..”. neil nods slowly and goes back to reading his novel. todd watches him before going back to his work as well. his minds tries to wander back to the nights they would all sneak out and go into the cave. where todd’s eyes would always find themselves traveling along neil’s face and body. where his ears would listen to every word the other boy had to say. and where his lips would begin to form a small smile as the night went by.<br/>
“from mary elizabeth frye, do not stand at my grave and weep, i am not there; i do not sleep, i am a thousand winds that blow, i am the diamond glints on snow”.<br/>
todd listens to neil’s hushed voice and looks up. maybe he misses how they would all express themselves in a new way they hadn’t done before. or maybe he just misses neil.<br/>
“what are you doing?” todd interrupts neil before he can finish, turning around to face the other boy. neil smiles softly as a response and looks into todd’s eyes. </p><p>as the next few weeks go by, todd and neil secretly resume the dead poets society meetings, even though it is just the two of them in their room, silently whispering poems to each other while the others are fast asleep. todd starts feeling better again, he likes listening to neil night after night reciting poems about anything and everything. they both continue their meetings without saying a word to anyone else. except one night, when they think they can hear someone crying from across the hall. todd says it sounds like charlie. and neil says they shouldn’t continue their ‘meetings’ anymore. </p><p>the next day, todd rushes back into his room to grab his latin journal he left earlier that morning. he slowly opens the door, walking over to his bed where the journal lay. as he turns to leave, he glances at neil’s side of the room. it’s cold and gloomy. his bed is neatly made. his things are stacked tightly in one corner of his desk. the rest of his items are packed away in his closet. as todd gazes at neil’s side of the room, he thinks its almost empty. almost as if neil never existed. todd shakes the thought out of his head and leaves the room.</p><p>a few days later at lunch, todd sits alone at a table where a few others are scattered around it, quietly eating or finishing up school work. after neil’s .. accident, he stopped sitting with the others, feeling as if they just ignored him. not that it made a difference but now he wouldn’t have to listen to them. todd finishes his lunch earlier than others and goes back up to his room. as he walks into the empty hallway, he sees the bed room door open ajar. he walks inside and sees neil, sitting at his desk, looking into his desk drawer. as soon as he hears todd, he shuts the drawer. todd glances at him when he does so, then lays down on his bed, closing his eyes. he hears neil writing something down.<br/>
“why don’t you eat with the others?” todd blurts. he hears nothing in return and opens his eyes to look at the taller boy. neil stays silent before neatly stacking his work on his desk.<br/>
“its hard..to bring myself to face them all properly.”<br/>
todd watches as neil stares at a spot on the floor. he opens his mouth before neil speaks again. 	“I feel guilty for what I did..I know I caused them pain.”<br/>
“I don’t think they’d mind your presence every once an a while..”. he doesn’t get a response back as neil gets up and grabs his books. todd sits up. as neil leaves, he turns back to todd.<br/>
“you wouldn’t understand.”<br/>
todd listens to his lonely footsteps going down the hall after he leaves their room. after he leaves todd alone again.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. two</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“do you miss them?”, neil looks up at todd.<br/>it was neil’s fourth week since his return. he had been handling his situation and classes well. at least that’s what he told todd whenever he asked. they both continued their ‘meetings’ every week. but instead of talking about poems this week, the conversation was side tracked and was in no rush to get back. <br/>	“well of course I miss them, todd, I think that’s quite obvious.” <br/>they talk a little bit more, todd watches neil closely, admiring the other. he wonders why someone so heavenly would ever try to hurt themself. He wants to open his mouth and ask why it had happened, but he didn’t. he knew the exact reason why. suddenly, a door in the hall creeks open and there’s a tap on the door, <br/>	“todd? can you please be quiet, its one a.m. for god-sake.” <br/>both boys look at  each other and smile, trying not to burst out laughing. <br/>	“sounds like knox needs his beauty sleep..lets get to bed.”, neil reaches to the end of the bed and turns the lamp of. both boys laid down. todd stared at the blank ceiling, his mind racing back and forth between memories of the boys earlier in the year and how they all know shut out neil, acting like he was still gone.  </p>
<p>the next morning went by slowly for todd, he spent most of his class time watching the rain pour outside. when juniors are called for lunch, he sat down at a quiet table when someone calls him over, <br/>	“todd!”, the call is slightly hushed, not wanting to get scolded. <br/>todd slowly glances up and sees the four boys peeking over back at him, meeks motions for him to come over. he grabs his food and brings it over to the other table, sitting down beside knox and across from charlie. They all sit in silence before knox asks, <br/>	“how are you holding up..?”, looking back down at his food once he’s finished speaking. <br/>todd answers, saying that he’s fine. he notices the way the other boys give him pity looks. its not like he was lying, he was doing fine, just fine. he looks up at the others and shrugs a little, <br/>	“you know…neil really misses you guys, he wants us all to continue the meetings, t-together, instead of just him and i.” todd’s voice had grown quieter with every word as he searched the boy’s faces, wondering why they weren’t as open to the idea. <br/>	“and how do you know that, todd?” charlie glares at todd. <br/>	“charlie..” meeks quietly protests, as to warn him.<br/>	“he t-told me, charlie.” <br/>	“yeah its funny how he only tells you things, not us.” <br/>	“charlie, leave him alone.” <br/>todd looks at them, with anger rising in his chest. he wonders how they could all just turn on neil just because of one goddamn accident. <br/>	“you know, maybe he would talk to you more, talk to all of you more if you guys would all, I dont know, visit him every once and a while and make efforts to actually be his friend!” todd was almost yelling now, standing up and pointing roughly at charlie with his finger. <br/>	“you all left him!” he yells, his chest rapidly rising up and down. <br/>everyone in the lunch room stopped what they had been doing and were now all staring at todd. todd looked at the four boys at the table, his eyebrows furrowed, trying to not let tears run down his cheek. the others gave him sorrowful eyes in return looking empty and loss. pitts lets out a sigh, looking away from todd. todd gulps and runs back up to his room.<br/>todd sat on his bed, legs pulled up to his chest, and forehead resting on his knees. his breath stutters as he tries to control his crying. he’s interrupted by neil, who barges inside with a smile from ear to ear. todd can hear his shuffling feet quickly cease once his eyes are laid upon the boy hugging his body to himself. 	“todd? what happened?” <br/>todd goes on to tell the other boy what had happened, neil only sits at his desk and listens. as todd finishes, he glances at neil who was shuffling papers around in his desk drawer, pauses momentarily to look over a few. todd stops talking, <br/>	“what are you looking at?” <br/>	“hm? oh, nothing.” neil closes the drawer, turning around to todd, who looks confused. <br/>	“its nothing, really.” <br/>	“you sure look at it a lot for it to just be nothing..” <br/>todd leans his back against the wall, looking out the window, finally feeling calm. he feels neil watching over him when he closes his eyes. <br/>	“look, if it makes you feel any better..i don’t mind that they don’t talk to me, i think they just don’t know what to say to me. by trying to not hurt me..they treat me like I don’t exist and-and that’s okay. i still have you don’t i?” <br/>todd opens his eyes and sees the boy smiling, todd knows that he’s hurt.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading again! I might have the next chapter out either today or tomorrow because they're getting more into the action, haha :)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. three</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>neil was back but todd still felt alone. he felt lost and forgotten. he couldn’t sleep, stopped eating as much food as normal. every day more and more people seemed to stop acknowledging him, not that it made much of a difference anyway. and to make things even worse, neil began staying at his class later than usual, and when he would return, todd wouldn’t have the will to talk to him. he would just lay there silently, listening to neil putt his school things away, undress, and get in bed. neil was back but todd still missed him.</p><p>one night, todd’s back was opposite to neil’s side of the bedroom as he laid down in bed when he heard neil slowly come in, as to not wake todd. but todd was awake and heard sniffles coming from the front of the room. todd bit his lip and listened as neil got himself ready for bed. he heard neil let out a shaky sigh when he sat down in his bed. <br/>	“todd?” he mumbled quietly, his voice somewhat hoarse. <br/>todd stayed still, not responding. neil stayed silent before repeating, <br/>	“todd? are you awake?” <br/>todd wanted to respond, he wanted to get up, hug neil and talk to him the entire night without stopping. but he didn’t, instead he stayed quiet, and closed his eyes, hoping neil would just forget about him. another shaky sigh was heard from neil before he laid back down in bed, pulling his covers over himself. </p><p>the next week, todd waited in his for the others to get done with showering before heading to bed. when he finally heard the other boys slowly trickle their way into their rooms, he grabbed his pajamas and towel, turning to leave before colliding into someone. suddenly, hands grabbed his shoulders. <br/>	“where’ you heading to?”, it was neil who he had bumped into and it was neil who was currently gripping onto his shoulders. <br/>	“uh-i-im just going to take a shower.” he mumbled. <br/>	“its late.”, neil stated, finally letting go of the smaller boy’s arm. he walked over to his closet. <br/>	“i-i know.”, todd stayed in his place before neil came up behind him. <br/>	“great, I’ll join you.”, he grinned while grabbing his clothes and towel as well. <br/>	“no..you don't have to.” , todd’s words trailed off and before he knew it, both him and neil were walking to the washroom. <br/>just as they were walking in, todd heard mr. nolan call him, <br/>	“mr. anderson, what have i told you about showering so late? the others are already in bed.” <br/>todd looked at him and opened his mouth, <br/>	“i..”. <br/>	“just hurry up mr. anderson” <br/>todd nodded before going inside, finding neil already undressing and turning his shower on. todd immediately looked away, finding a different spot to undress and shower. as they both showered, todd’s eyes couldn’t help but to wander along neil, who was facing the other direction, running his hands through his soapy hair. todd studied his back before his eyes came across a slightly bloodied scar on his shoulder, eyes lingering on that spot. neil then turned around and todd averted his eyes down at his own skin, his cheeks slowly turning red. <br/>	“what are you looking at?” <br/>	“nothing.” <br/>	neil eyed him, grinning, “you sure look at me a lot for it to just be nothing..” . <br/>todd’s head shot up to look at neil, his heart pounding in his chest as he felt his entire face grow hot. neil just laughed.</p><p>when they get back in their room, they both sit on their beds, todd writing in one of the journals while neil finishes a novel he was reading. todd can see neil stand up out of the corner of his eye, walking over to his desk and putting his book away. he glances over at neil as he sits down at his desk, once again looking in his drawer. todd continues to watch him before going back to his journal. <br/>	“i know you saw my scar in the showers.” , neil says quietly. todd quickly looks back at him, <br/>	“oh, no, i-”<br/>	“todd, its okay, i know youre probably curious, sorry.” <br/>	“no, neil..” <br/>	“todd, its okay.” he laughs and walks back over to his bed. <br/>	“no, neil, i-i.”, neil watches him closely, waiting for todd’s response. <br/>	“i think i like you…” <br/>	“well I like you too.” <br/>	“no, neil. i like you.” todd examined neil’s face for any kind of emotion, good or bad. <br/>his heart was racing underneath his ribcage as he was attempting to calm his breath. neil bit his lip, eyes furrowed and focusing on the floor, taking in what todd had said. <br/>	“you can’t…” <br/>	“what do you mean i can’t..?” <br/>	“todd.. lets just go to bed.” , he said while getting off to turn off the light.<br/>todd stayed still as neil got in bed. <br/>	“no, neil, what the hell are you talking about? i-i just confessed to you and..and you blatantly ignored me.” he hears neil sigh. <br/>	“todd..we just can’t, okay?” <br/>	“w-why? why can’t we?”, he raises his voice, glaring at neil. neil rubs his face, <br/>	“todd, please..i want to tell you why..” <br/>	“so just tell me!” <br/>	“i can’t.” neil says coldly before laying down. todd watches the taller boy go to bed before sighing.</p><p>in the following weeks, not only was neil staying later for classes becoming more of a problem, but now neil wasn’t even attempting to speak with him after todd whenever they had time together. instead, he stayed at his desk doing his school work, back turned to todd as todd tried gaining the courage to say something to lighten the mood. in the morning as they both get ready, todd  can’t help but find himself constantly glancing at the other boy in the room. he takes a deep breath before breaking the silence, <br/>	“i’m sorry.”<br/>	“todd, it’s okay.” he stops what he’s doing and turns around to face him.<br/>	“no it’s not, you know, i think we should start he dead poets society again… and you can eat meals with us downstairs again, and-”<br/>	“look, i’m sure that sounds great but i have to get to class.”, he takes one look at todd before grabbing his school books and quickly leaving the room.</p><p>todd couldn’t keep his mind off of neil all day, wanting to know why he couldn’t have a stupid crush on his friend. wanting to know why things couldn’t just go back to normal, like they had before before neil’s accident. he sat at his desk, hands on his lap, looking out the window. for the past couple of months he learned to block out the chatter of his classmates and just focus on his own thoughts. except today he couldn’t. during a class break, charlie had walked over to todd’s desk and instead of todd ignoring him, he looked straight up at him.<br/>	“hey..”, charlie spoke. todd quickly smiled in response.<br/>	“are you alright?”<br/>	“oh, so you’re finally caring about your friends again?”, he mumbled.<br/>charlie put his foot on the ground and looked up at the ceiling, clearly agitated, <br/>	“really, todd? please don’t do this again.”	<br/>	“oh, you mean, please dent remind me o-of how i-i completely ignore my friend!”, todd stood up.<br/>the other’s looked over at the two, meeks went over to grab charlie but charlie pushed his hand away. their teacher who was sitting at his desk told them to all sit down. all three ignored. <br/>	“i am not, we are not ignoring neil!”, charlie yelled back.<br/>	“charlie, come on.”, meeks grabbed at his arm again before knox came over to the trio.<br/>	“y-yes you all do! every single person in the school acts like he doesn’t exist when he does! and now he’s ignoring me!” todd yelled, looking at everyone in the classroom.<br/>	“mr. anderson, sit down now! all of you sit down!”, yelled their teacher.<br/>	“no, i won’t! i won’t stop un-until-”<br/>	“todd, stop, you need to let this go..”, knox sighed.<br/>todd furrowed his eyebrows, glancing at everyone in the classroom. the three boys around looked saddened, while others in the class just glared as the situation unfolded. todd opened his mouth, taking deep breaths in and out.<br/>	“i…”, he quietly let out, tears brimming his eyes.<br/>	“todd, i think its time.”, charlie spoke clearly. <br/>todd gave the boys one more glance before running out of the classroom.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>thanks for reading! I didn't proof read at all so im sorry if there's spelling and grammar mistakes, last part up tomorrow! ;)</p>
        </blockquote></div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. finale</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>“today’s my birthday.”<br/>	“is it your birthday? happy birthday.”<br/>both boys quietly walk back into their bedroom. todd takes his coat off, placing it back in his closet before carefully taking his shoes off. he yawns softly while walking over to his bed and sitting down, looking out the window. neil takes his own coat off, putting his on his chair. he then kicks his shoes off and starts undressing. he faces todd from across the room while he takes his tie off and begins slowly unbuttoning his shirt. todd can feel neil’s eyes watching him. he gulps before glancing at neil, spotting his bare chest. he’s seen neil undress and dress loads of times but for some reason tonight felt different. he started feeling more nervous than before. he quickly looks away once he meets eyes with neil. neil smiles and starts walking over to their beds. instead of sitting on his own, neil joins todd, sitting so close that their thighs were touching. todd bit his lip and looked down at neil’s thigh, his heart pounding against his chest so hard, he felt as if he might break. neil then grabs todd’s hand gently. the heat from neil’s hand quickly spread throughout todd’s entire body.<br/>	“happy birthday, todd.”, neil whispered.<br/>todd looked up at the taller boy sitting next to them. neil admired him before placing one of his hands over todd’s eyes. todd stayed silent, trying to breathe calmly. then, todd felt a soft and loving pressure of neil’s lips against his own. neil’s hands made there way down to todd’s cheeks, holding them tenderly as he deepened the kiss between the two. todd kept his eyes closed as neil gently pushed him down onto the bed while not separating their lips. as neil straddled the smaller boy, he slowly pulled away from him, running his thumbs over todd’s cheekbones. todd’s eyes fluttered open as he looked back at neil.</p><p>-</p><p>he’s not gone. he’s not gone. he’s not gone. <br/>todd feels tears streaming down his reddened cheeks and down his neck as he throws his bedroom door open. he shoves everything off of his messy desk, papers flying in the air, books falling to the ground with loud thuds. he tries desperately to keep his cries in but is quickly unsuccessful. his sobs leave his mouth loudly as well as wrecking havoc on his fragile body. todd plunges to the ground, holding himself tightly. <br/>	“oh god o-oh god,” he wails putting his hands up to his head, holding it tightly,<br/>	“h-he’s not gone, please, he's not gone!” </p><p>his cries soften as he looks up, his eyes filled with tears, his soft face displaying a broken heart. todd lays his eyes over the cold and empty side of the room he despises. the bed is neatly made. there is nothing stacked tightly in one corner of the desk. there are no items packed away in the empty closet. as todd gazes at the side of the room, he thinks its empty. because it is empty. </p><p>he glances at the desk before standing up and stumbling over to the desk chair. he sniffs, looking down at the cold metal knobs on the drawer. todd’s breath hitches as he touched the knobs, slowly opening the drawer. <br/>	“he’s not gone, i know he’s not.”<br/>his hands wander over the contents inside the drawer, pulling them out and placing them on the desk. it was filled with dozens of newspaper cutouts, crumpled up notes, and pages ripped out from poetry novels. todd’s eyes explore the words written on them. the newspaper cutouts reading:</p><p>	‘17 YEAR OLD WELTON STUDENT FOUND DEAD IN HOME’<br/>	‘WELTON STUDENT SHOOTS HIMSELF’<br/>	‘NEIL PERRY, 17, COMMITS SUICIDE LAST FRIDAY’<br/>	‘LOCAL STUDENT DIES AT AGE 17’<br/>	‘WELTON STUDENT, 17, COMMITS SUICIDE WITH A GUN AT HIS HOME’<br/>	‘TEACHER FIRED AS A RESULT OF STUDENT’S SUICIDE’</p><p>he shuffles the stack and finds a small pamphlet from the reception, ‘Neil Edward Perry 1979-1996’. he finds a few crumpled pieces of papers with notes written on them, ‘meet tonight -neil’ and ‘study group @ 7? -neil’. todd bits his lips, and crumples the papers in his hand. he lets out more shaky sobs as he bangs his head down onto the desk, his arms moving to cover his head as his fists squeeze the papers in his hands. </p><p>the cold and dark side of the room is empty except for the small boy who’s body shakes with every sob as he holds himself tightly.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Notes for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
          <p>hope you guys enjoyed, sorry if its kinda dark. the first part is a flashback from todd's birthday. I hope the story makes sense but basically neil never came back and died the night of the play. please ask questions if some thongs don't make sense haha :) thank you guys for reading, this was my first fic ever so its really rough and doesn't have much but still, im glad people are actually reading it!</p>
        </blockquote><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>this is sorta a draft so please give me feedback on my writing. sorry if this is short  and makes 0 sense..haha.</p></blockquote></div></div>
</body>
</html>